Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
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Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
$3 #books