How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.