Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
You Might Also Like
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Why I divorced her.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Poetry is my passion