Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
when there are deer in the woods
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
This is hilarious….
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.