Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
why does this building look like a guilty dog
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?