genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
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PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.