My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”