*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
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Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty