Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.