Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Good news
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.