Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct