Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
🙄😏😂🤣
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)