one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Why font matters.
boat question
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Remember folks 😂