3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me driving through Toronto
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?