Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Fluff me with a fork baby
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.