English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
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Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*