Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement