Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
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your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
So inspired right now.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N