[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.