Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
They did not miss in the small print
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.