I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
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My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Friday
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
welp
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
when someone rings the doorbell
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.