Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
This took me a second..
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
SPLOOT
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)