me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
This January has 47 Mondays
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Canadian owl: Eh?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit