Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
The future is now.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Damn he played himself
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No