If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
WTF
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke