Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Miscakes