I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
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[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T