Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.