gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
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[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I know this now 😂
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.