Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
The Weeknd is back
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…