*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The Struggle
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”