Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
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The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Namaste
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there