[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
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I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.