My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
You Might Also Like
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
finally
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
BETRAYAL
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email