How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why