Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Two types of dogs.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?