Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.