I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
new shirt idea
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”