If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
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Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start