Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.