[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it