I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.