Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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pep talk
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
jesus christ confetti not now
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.