[shakes fist at other fist]
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ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.