Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Science memes
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers