In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
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Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Möther may I have a snäck
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.