[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Same post same
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Cha-ching is my safe word