“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
The future is now.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.