Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
very niche meme I made
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?