[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…